To Win a Hobbit Maiden's Heart
by sandlover
Summary: Merry and Pippin challenge each other to see who can win true love first. Drawbacks: Estella hates Merry's guts and Pippin is, well, Pippin and Diamond is surrounded by other hobbit suitors. How will she notice him? And how will Merry get Estella to se
1. Gauntlets are thrown

DISCLAIMER: Last time you all read one of my stories, I didn't own Lord of the Rings. You will be pleased to know that nothing whatsoever has changed. I still do not own it.

This story is sort of an off shoot of my story " A Different Kind of Hero". It is not necessary that you read that story before reading this one, but it would make me happy if you did ; ) And if you reviewed it, like I hope you will with this one. This story takes place after the Scouring of the Shire, which I will not be writing about. This first chapter is basically what is said in the last chapter of my other story, so read, review, and enjoy!

Sandlover 

In the House of Healing in Gondor, two elves, Gwendolin of Angmar and Maedron of Rivendell had just declared their love for each other and were kissing on one of the terraces. Merry and Pippin were sitting on a balcony a little ways over, taking in the lovely scene.

" Ah, love," sighed Pippin. Merry looked at Pippin as if he had just lost his mind.

" Since when did you start thinking of something other than your stomach?" Merry asked.

" Oh, come on, Merry. You can't tell me that you haven't thought of Estella Bolger for one second on this entire journey," Pippin said, slightly annoyed at his friend's remark.

" Who?" asked Merry, feigning innocence.

" Estella Bolger, the girl you have had your eye on for goodness knows how long but have been too afraid to tell her how you feel," Pippin said, watching Merry's face turn red.

" I've got a better chance with her than you do with Diamond," Merry said breezily.

" You do not!" Pippin spluttered indignantly.

" I'll bet I can win Estella's love quicker than you can win Diamond's," Merry said.

" Now what makes you so sure about that?" Pippin asked. Merry pulled his pipe out of his mouth.

" I am taller than you," he replied simply.

" Now wait just a minute!" Pippin cried.

" Wait just a minute for what?" Merry asked as he stood and began to head towards the kitchen.

" It doesn't matter if you are taller than me or not!" Pippin said.

" It doesn't?" Merry asked as if he had just learned something new.

" No, it doesn't. The girls should like us for who we are, not how tall we are. Besides, we can't win their love until they are ready to let us," Pippin said, displaying some surprisingly good logic.

" You might be right," Merry said, looking at the ground as if meditating on this piece of information.

" But I still think that Estella's love quicker than you can win Diamond's" he stated, looking up sharply.

" No you can't!" Pippin yelled.

" Oh, can't I? You just watch, Peregrin Took! Before you can even work up the courage to say one word to Diamond, I'll have Estella swooning in my arms!" Merry exulted triumphantly.

" If you're so confident, Meriadoc Brandybuck, why don't we just see. When we get back to the Shire, I will try to win Diamond's love, and you will try to win Estella's love. Whoever win's gets -"

" The loser's breakfast for two months!" Merry said, making the first wager. Pippin looked a little pained at the stakes, but quickly hid it.

" Agreed!" he said. Merry stuck out his hand, and Pippin shook it, sealing the bet.

" You' re going to be hungry for a long time, Pippin," he said as they neared the kitchens.

" Oh really? Your stomach will be heard growling all the way in Bree!" Pippin taunted. Thus the banter went on until the hobbits got some food in heir mouths, causing them to hush and eat.

That's the beginning. Review and tell me what you think!


	2. Merry's Magic and Pippin's Eye Contact

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything that has to do with Lord of the Rings. Nothing. Nada. Nil.

Merry and Pippin sat in the shade of a big oak tree, smoking their pipes and enjoying the lovely weather. It was very peaceful in the Shire, something many hobbits had not felt for a while. When Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin had returned to their beloved home, they found it overrun with evil men. Saruman had taken control of the Shire, along with the skulking Wormtongue. The four Halflings had their work cut out for them, but managed to run Saruman out of the Shire. Along the way out, Wormtongue, in a fit of fury, threw himself on Saruman and slit his throat with a knife. When he ran, hobbits shot him down. Thus the evil was driven from the Shire, although there was still much damage to be fixed. It was now two months later, and the grass was just beginning to grow again, flowers were blooming, and homes had been rebuilt. Yes, life was returning back to normal. Well, almost.

" Well, now with the Shire safe and everything, I have a bet to win!" Merry said happily as he stood to his feet and began to make for the Green Dragon Inn.

" Oh, Merry, must we still go on with this silly game?" Pippin asked. Secretly, he was hoping that Merry had forgotten all about the bet they had made in the House of Healing on that far away day. He had not yet seen Diamond, but he was beginning to doubt himself.

" Oh, come on, Pip, I bet she's down at the Green Dragon, waiting for you!" Merry teased as he headed for the very place. 

" Hey, wait for me! A good pint of ale sounds good!" Pippin cried as he jumped up and followed Merry down the dirt road.

" Yes, I am sure a pint of ale does sound good," Merry said sarcastically. As they drew nearer to the inn, laughter and other sounds of merriment could be heard.

" After you," Merry said, stepping aside and letting Pippin enter first. Pippin walked in and instantly spotted Diamond, with her glossy black ringlets framing her face and blue eyes catching the light. She looked his way, then got up and began walking over, her arms open for a hug. Pippin almost went into shock. He smiled and held out his arms in eager anticipation. _Could this be happening_ he thought in joy. Diamond drew closerthen floated right by Pippin and into the arms of a handsome hobbit behind him! The smile faded from Pippin's face as he wandered over to the bar.

" A pint of Ale, please," he said, then took his mug and sat down at an empty table in the corner, feeling dejected. He watched Merry stroll over to him. Both hobbits, when they were standing, were a good six inches taller than the others because of the Ent draught they drank in Fangorn. 

" Well, Pippin, I can see that you have your work cut out for you!" Merry remarked lightly as he sipped his ale.

" Aye, that's for sure," Pippin said sadly as he watched Diamond talk to the hobbit she had hugged.

" Well, if you'll excuse me, Estella is waiting," Merry said as he stood and walked over to the pretty, blonde hobbit maid. He plunked his ale down on her table and took the empty seat next to her.

" Hello, Estella," he said, trying to sound dashing. She looked at him oddly as she scooted a couple of inches away from him.

" What are you going to do to me, Meriadoc Brandybuck? Put another spider down my dress like you did at Bilbo's party?" she asked crossly, her hazel eyes flashing.

" No, I would never dream of doing anything of the sort!" he said in indignation, his eyes widening.

" Then what is it? Have you got some other foul scheme planned?" she asked, eyeing him suspiciously. 

" No, honestly!" he said, trying to sound more innocent than dashing now.

" Well, whatever it is you have planned, it is not going to happen!" she said angrily as she rose and stalked off to another table. Merry stood, crestfallen, and made his way back to Pippin.

" Oh, aye, she was definitely swooning in your arms," Pippin said sarcastically.

" I'm just wearing her down, Pip. You just wait. A little more of my magic, and Estella will be mine," Merry gloated to cover his despair.

" I am sure she will be," Pippin said doubtfully as he took another drink. You see, Pippin knew, as well as many others, that Merry was the kind of hobbit that teased and mocked his true love, but never really meant any of it.

" Well, I don't see you having any success with Diamond," Merry said to draw the attention away from his own failure.

" She is making small steps. She made eye contact with me a minute ago," Pippin said proudly.

" Reeaally?" Merry asked slowly.

" Yes- oh, there she goes again!" Pippin whispered excitedly as Diamond glanced his way. Merry looked at Pippin as if he felt sorry for him.

" A little more eye contact, Pip, and she might just smile at you," Merry said sarcastically. At least he had TALKED to Estella.

" I think I'll go over there and talk to her," Pippin said abruptly as he stood up and began to make his way towards Diamond. He reached her table just as she was laughing at something one of the other hobbit's had said. He stood in front of her. She looked up and noticed him.

" Uh hiuh," Pippin stammered. Diamond looked up at him expectantly.

" Hello, Pippin!" she said cheerfully, as if encouraging him to go on.

" You know who I am?" Pippin asked hesitantly.

" Everyone knows who Peregrin Took is!" one of the hobbit men said loudly with a laugh. The table erupted in laughter, including Diamond. Pippin looked down and walked back to Merry, their raucous laughter chasing him.

" You should have stuck with the eye contact, Pip," Merry said, feeling sorrier for Pippin than ever. Pippin drained his ale, then stood up.

" I'm going to head home, Merry," he said quietly.

" Do you surrender?" Merry asked. Pippin turned to him, his eyes flashing.

" No, I don't!" he said angrily, a rare thing for Pippin. Merry watched him walk out of the room, slightly shocked at the outburst. Soon, he too headed for his hobbit hole.

Do ya all like that? Huh, do ya? Do ya? Do ya?

Laurelin: if you read my other story, "A Different Kind of Hero", the whole Angmar thing makes a bit more sense and is actually quite plausible because I haven't had any complaints so far! Keep reading!

Heart of Flame: Pippin is one of my favorites, too! I'll go check out your poem and tell you what I think.

Pandagrrl: Yes, more laughs for you!


	3. The Goat of Abomination!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Lord of the Rings. But I do own the goat of abomination! Nobody touches the goat of abomination, or I will hurt you, a la _Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon!_ Only I can't fly like they do

It was another lovely day in the Shire. The birds were singing, flowers were blooming, and the cows were mooing. But Merry saw none of this. Well, he heard the cows, but that isn't the point! His mind was occupied with more serious matters. Like what he was gong to say to Estella when he knocked on her door!

" ' Hello, Estella! How are you?' No, that's too common. ' Lovely day, isn't it? How would you like to go on a picnic?' Yes, that may work," he muttered to himself as he walked down the road, causing other hobbits to stare as they walked by. As he drew nearer to her home, his thoughts began to sabotage his plan. _This is never going to work. She obviously hates me! How am I ever going to get her to talk to me, _he thought. A pretty daisy on the side of the road caught his eye.

" Flowers! Perfect!" he said happily as he picked the lovely thing. Soon, he had a lovely bouquet in his hand.

" There, this should work," he thought, pleased with his success. He was about to walk up the hill to Estella's hobbit hole when he was again bombarded with thoughts of doubt and failure. A goat wandered down the road and stopped next to him. Merry began to absentmindedly pet it's head. _Alright, it's now or never,_ he thought as he slowly walked up the fern - laden path to Estella's door, leaving the goat at the road. His fist shook as he knocked on the door. A fat hobbit, obviously Estella's father, answered.

" How may I help you, Master Merry?" he asked, looking at Merry a bit oddly.

" Is Estella home?" Merry, one of his eyebrows arched jauntily.

" Hold on just a moment," Estella's father said. He walked into the house a little ways, calling for her.

" Estella, visitor for you!" he yelled as he retreated back into his home to finish his lunch. Merry straightened up as he heard her coming down the hall.

" Hello?" she asked as she opened the door wider.

" Estella!" Merry said happily.

" What do you want?" she asked sharply as she closed the door a couple of inches.

" I was just coming by to see how you were doing," Merry said, once again attempting to be dashing and debonair.

" I am fine, thank you," she said a bit uncertainly. Why was Merry being so nice to her? 

" Well, I was just about to go on a little picnic, and it's no fun going alone, so I was wondering if you would like to come?" he asked, looking down at her innocently. Estella studied him for a minute.

" Alright, I'll go with you," she said.

" Oh, here, I brought these for you!" Merry said proudly as he pulled the flowers out from behind his back. Estella's eyes widened. Merry smiled, glad that the flowers had floored her.

" Merry, I don't see what you think is so funny about this!" she said, radiating anger from her eyes.

" What-" he said, then looked down at the bouquet in his hands. To his horror, all that was left of the beautiful flowers were the stems and some petals that were feebly clinging to them!   
" And I actually thought you were being nice and wanted to see me! But you're still just a heartless hobbit out for the joke! Well, for your information, it is not funny!" she went on. 

" No, Estella, you have to understand -" he started to say.

" I do understand! You are never going to grow up! Why don't you just leave me alone!" she yelled and slammed the door in his face. Merry stood in complete shock. What had just happened? Everything was going so perfectly! Then it all blew up in his face. He began walking back down to the road. Then he saw the goat. The goat with a single daisy petal sticking to it's chin.

" You!" Merry shouted, pointing at the goat.

" Baa!" the goat said.

" You are responsible for this!" Merry went on, pointing to the destroyed bouquet that he was still clutching in his hand. 

" I hope you had a nice lunch!" he shouted at the animal as he turned down the road. The goat turned it's spotted self around and walked down the road in the opposite direction. An old hobbit that had been observing the scene from his front porch shook his head and went inside to eat.

A little later that day, Pippin could be seen walking down the exact same road. Pippin was heading into the market in hopes of running into Diamond when she wasn't with all her friends. _Maybe she will actually talk to me,_ he thought hopefully as he straightened the front of his red coat. He soon reached the fruit and vegetable stands. Fat hobbit women were bustling about, picking out their goods. Pippin caught sight of Diamond working one of the fruit stands. Pippin slowly made his way over, passing a goat along the way.

" Hello, Pippin!" she said happily as she arranged a display of apples.

" Hello, Miss Diamond," he said shyly. She laughed lightly at the propriety of his greeting.

" Call me Diamond, please!" she said.

" OkayDiamond," Pippin said, looking into her beautiful blue eyes. She smiled again, causing them to shine.

" Are you going to buy anything, Pippin?" she asked. 

" Oh, yes, I'lltake one of these," he said as he picked up a bright red apple.

" Just one?" Diamond asked, a teasing light in her eye.

" Yes, just one to eat on my way home," he said.

" That will be one farthing," she said as she held out her hand for his money. He dropped the coin lightly into her hand.

" Thank you, Pippin," she said as she looked up at him. He smiled and looked down.

Our friend the goat had been watching Pippin, or more importantly, Pippin;s red coat. The coat did something to him, sent him into some sort of rage. Before the goat could stop himself, he charged Pippin and slammed into him! Pippin pitched forward! He slammed into Diamond's fruit stand, crushing her apple display! He lay still for a moment, then stood to look into the eyes of the spotted goat that was standing behind him, glaring at his coat. The goat then turned tail and walked down the road and away from the embarrassing scene. Pippin turned and looked at what was left of the fruit stand. All the apples lay crushed on the ground. Diamond's father came roaring up.

" You stupid hobbit! Look at what you have done! All my fruit is ruined!" he yelled as he gestured to his destroyed fruit.

" Sir, it wasn't my- " Pippin began.

" Fault? It wasn't your fault? Look around you! You fell on it! You ruined it! Get out of here!" Diamond's father shouted as he threw a crushed apple at Pippin. The poor hobbit turned and ran down the road. The angry shouts of all the hobbits faded as he ran. He reached his hobbit hole, ran inside, and shut the door.

" Well, did you have any success?" Merry asked as he pushed himself up out of a chair where he had been sitting, waiting for Pippin.

" Success? I had the opposite of success! I was doing fine until a goat decided to slam himself into my bottom! I fell all over Diamond's fruit stand and her father gave me an earful!" Pippin said angrily as he threw of his now - soiled red coat.

" Wait, did you say goat?" Merry asked.

" Yes, this stupid spotted goat!" Pippin said, looking at Merry as if he were deaf.

" I went to see Estella and give her some flowers, but just when she was about to go on a picnic with me, I handed them to her and all the petals were gone! A spotted goat ate them," Merry said, realization dawning in his eyes.

" I'll bet it was the same goat!" Pippin said, his eyes wide.

" It most likely was! This is not fair! I'll bet the goat didn't get in the way of Sam when he went to visit Rosie! Why is it plaguing us?" Merry asked no one in particular.

" I think it hated my red coat," Pippin said sadly as he looked at the garment. 

" Goat of abomination!" Merry yelled. Pippin looked at him strangely.

" Merry, have you been into the ale?" he asked.

" Only a little," Merry replied. Pippin gave him an exasperated look.

" What? I only had a little, and I think I fully deserved it," Merry said in his defense. Pippin rolled his eyes.

" Come on, let's get something to eat," Pippin said as he headed for his pantry.

" Oh, yes! Lets!" Merry said happily. Hobbits are always happy at the prospect of food.

That's it for now! Now, you see that little blue bar over to your left that says 'Submit Review'? Well, there is a little blue button next to it that says 'Go'. You see it? Go click on it! I need reviews to stay motivated! 

Some of you might be thinking, " Goats aren't enraged at the sight of red!" Well, for your information, this goat is, because he is my abomidable creation! MUWAHAHAHA!!! Now go review, or I will send my goat to torment you!!


	4. Stomping Flowers and a Pretty Hankie

DISCLAIMER: Oh, if only Lord of the Rings was mine! But, alas, it is not (falls dramatically off office chair and hits head). Whoops!

Merry's day was going well until he got out of bed. Then he ran into some trouble. First, he couldn't find any matching socks. He then discovered that his favorite pair of breeches had a hole in them. And, worst of all, he was out of butter.

" How am I supposed to have bread without butter?" he cried wildly as he tried to restrain himself from throwing the empty butter dish across the room. Actually, something like his lack of butter would not have normally bothered Merry. He would have just found something else to eat instead. But Merry had been unreasonably surly ever since his embarrassing episode with the flowers and the goat. The point is that Merry's pride lay in shreds at Estella Bolger's door and he had no idea how to get it back. As Merry was ruminating over this, a knock sounded at his door. He slammed the teapot down and stomped over to his entryway. He flung the door open and looked into the eyes of Pippin.

" Hello, Merry!" Pippin said, being annoyingly cheerful. Although he had been embarrassed just as badly as Merry, Pippin had a different way of dealing with his anger. He merely hid it until it all boiled over, then let it blow. But he was not yet at the boiling over point, so he was cheerful.

" Good day, Pippin," Merry grumbled.

" Oh, come on Merry, let's go for a walk. It will help relieve your stress," Pippin suggested. Merry thought for a moment, then nodded curtly as he followed Pippin down the walk.

" There, don't you feel better already?" Pippin asked as they headed down a little road.

" No," Merry stated bluntly. Pippin was silent for a moment, trying to think of something to say.

" Oh, look at the beautiful flowers!" he exclaimed at the sight of some lovely daisies.

" ARGH!" Merry screamed as he jumped on the flowers and proceeded to grind them back into the soil from which they sprang. Pippin watched the disturbing scene in silence, waving by a few passing hobbits that had stopped and were staring. Merry stopped abruptly and began walking down the road again.

" Ah, that felt good!" he said with a wicked grin. Pippin decided to not say anything more about flowers to prevent their mass genocide. Soon, they neared the market. Pippin stopped in his tracks.

" Merry, let's turn around," he said earnestly.

" I need some butter, Pip," Merry said as he kept on walking closer to the sight of Pippin's mass humiliation.

" Can't you get it later?" Pippin pleaded.

" No, Pippin, I am already here," Merry said firmly as he began to stroll about and look for the butter stand.

" Oh no, there's Diamond! Hide me!" Pippin whispered fiercely as he ducked behind a pumpkin. Merry ignored him and continued walking. Pippin followed, ducking behind barrels and other stands. 

" Ah, here's the butter!" Merry said happily as he picked a tub of it and paid the hobbit woman working the stand.

" Okay, Pippin, now we can - Pippin?" Merry said as he looked around for the undercover hobbit. He spotted him hiding behind a rather irritated cow.

" Pippin, if you keep hiding like this, I won't be walking with you," Merry said lowly.

" Alright, al - (gasp!) There's Diamond's father, and he is headed this way!" Pippin squeaked as the hobbit drew nearer. Merry watched as he came closer.

" Master Peregrin - " he began, but was cut off by Pippin.

" I know sir, I am so sorry about the fruit, I swear! I can work for you to help pay for it all!" he pleaded. The hobbit laughed and patted Pippin's shoulder.

" It's okay, son, Diamond explained it all to me last night. It is I who owe you the apology. I should have kept my head and let you explain what happened. Upon seeing you on all my fruit, I automatically assumed that you had tripped, or something. You know, you being you," he said sheepishly. Pippin stared at him, his mouth gaping open. Merry nudged him.

" Oh, uh, that's okay, sir. I would have probably thought the same, what with me being me," Pippin stammered. The hobbit smiled at him.

" Come by and visit sometime, I think Diamond would like it!" he said with a wink before heading back to his stand. Both Merry and Pippin stared.

" Did you just see that?" Merry asked.

" I keep expecting him to whirl around and try to stab me with a carrot," Pippin whispered in shock. Diamond's father was known to be stubborn and hard headed, so a public apology to Pippin had the entire market buzzing.

" Come on, Merry, let's get out of here," Pippin muttered as he felt many pairs of eyes looking him over.

" Wait!" Merry said as he headed over to a stand. Folded neatly on the counter of the stand were prettily embroidered handkerchiefs.

" Estella would love one of these!" he exclaimed as he gently fingered the fabric.

" Yes, considering the last one she had that was so pretty, you ended up spilling ale all over it while she was showing it to - ouch!" Pippin yelped as Merry stomped down n his foot. After a few moments, Merry decided on a pale pink one with delicate red blossoms embroidered around the edges. He paid for it and walked jauntily down the road, the gift tucked safely in his jacket pocket. Pippin limped along besides him.

" Did you here Diamond's father invite me to drop by?" he went on excitedly, asking Merry for the fifth time.

" Yes, Pippin I did," Merry said again for the fifth time. It was becoming automatic.

" Hey, when are you going to give that to Estella?" Pippin asked, changing the rhythm of the conversation.

" Yes, Pippin, I - oh, I don't know, maybe later on today," Merry said.

" Why don't you go give it to her now so you get rid of any possible chance of ruining it," Pippin suggested. Merry looked at him, slightly annoyed, but knowing that he was speaking the truth.

" That might be a good idea, Pip. I'll stop by your place later and tell you how it goes," Merry said as he turned up a side road to Estella's house.

" See you later," Pippin said as he limped down the road to his own home.

Merry walked up the path to Estella's house with a confidence that had been absent, thanks to a certain member of the goat family. Things were going good. The handkerchief had survived the five-minute walk to her hobbit hole and there were no spotted goats in sight. Merry raised his fist and knocked confidently on the round door. Estella's father answered.

" Oh, it's you. Hold on, I'll see if Estella will come to the door," he said through a mouthful of bread. He walked into his home.

" Estella, it's the hobbit who made you cry! He wants to talk to you!" he shouted. Merry winced at his words.

" Oh, does he!" Merry heard her yell as she stomped to the door.

" What do you want?" she asked, looking at Merry through narrow, flashing eyes.

" I wanted to give you this," he said, holding out the wrapped package. Estella looked at it warily.

" Is this another one of your jokes, Merry, because I am not laughing," she said icily.

" No, I just saw it and thought of you, because it's pretty and so are you," Merry said as he held it closer. Estella's cheeks colored lightly, but she still looked cautious.

" You open it," she demanded.

" Excuse me?" Merry said, a little taken aback.

" You open it. That way, if you have planned anything horrible, it will happen to you instead of me," she said simply.

" Okay," Merry said slowly as he carefully unwrapped her present. She drew her breath in as the beautiful thing floated gently on the wind as Merry held it.

" Oh, Merry, it's beautiful!" she breathed as she carefully took it from his hands. 

" I thought you would like it," he said with a shy grin.

" So, you aren't going to trick me or anything?" she asked.

" Oh, no! I never meant half the stuff I ever said to you," he said, his eyes widening.

" What about the flowers?" she asked, hurt showing in her eyes.

" That was not my fault! You see, there was this goat, and I was petting him, and he ate your flowers while I was giving him a nice scratch!" Merry said. Estella looked at him for a long moment, then laughed. Merry smiled, then began laughing with her.

" Thank you so much, Merry," she said softly. He looked down in embarrassment. 

" Why don't you come in and meet my family?" she asked. Merry smiled again as he followed her inside to one of the best dinners he ever had.

Pippin sat outside his hobbit hole, his pipe in his mouth. 

" Well, either everything is all right, or Merry is out stomping flowers and shredding handkerchiefs," he muttered, then headed inside to his own dinner.

Ah, hobbit love(slaps face). Yeah, that's this chapter. Now go review. My threat of siccing my goat of abomination on you if you don't still stands.


	5. Hitting Lardladle

DISCLAIMER: Oh, yeah, sure, I own Lord of the Rings! Just like I own Pirates of the Caribbean and X - men and (slaps self in face). Okay, so I lied. I don't own any of these great movies or book, in the case of Lord of the Rings. Poor me! But I do have one hobbit to my name in this story, and that is Tom Lardladle. My parents must be so proud.

Pippin picked his way down the rutty road as he made his way to Diamond's house. He had finally worked up the nerve to take her father up on his dinner invitation. He had to do something! Merry had come to his hobbit hole the other day, bragging on how he and Estella had had a lovely picnic the day before and that she was practically in love with him.

" It doesn't count if you think she is in love with you! She has to say, ' I love you, Merry' for you to win!" Pippin had said in his defense. Merry had simply pulled on his jacket lapels jauntily and sauntered out the door, whistling a happy little tune. So on this cool evening, Pippin was going to finally make a move. _Just breathe, _he kept telling himself a he drew near to her home. As much as he told himself this, breathing kept getting more difficult as he got nearer. Then a sight at her door took his breath away completely. Another young hobbit was there with her, a large brute named Tom Lardladle. He was speaking to Diamond. Pippin's confidence left him and he turned and headed back down the road towards his hobbit hole, missing the pleading, desperate look Diamond shot at his back.

" You must have eaten very fast to be back here at this time," said Merry as soon as Pippin shut his door.

" I didn't even go in," Pippin said miserably. 

" Why?" Merry asked, disturbed by Pippin's gloomy mood.

" Because Tom Lardladle was there, talking to Diamond," Pippin replied.

" Ugh, you mean that huge fellow who always smells like garlic?" Merry asked, his eyes wide and his nose wrinkled in disgust.

" Aye, that's the one," Pippin nodded.

" I would think Diamond would take even you over that stinky fellow!" Merry exclaimed.

" Why, thank you for that bit of self - confidence boosting reassurance, Merry!" Pippin said dryly as he took a quick peek in his pantry, only to discover that a trip to the market needed to be made the next day.

" I don't have any food," he said miserably, for when a hobbit is out of food, he is simply distraught.

" Yes, I know! I went to find a small snack and nearly passed out from shock at the starkness of your shelves!" Merry exclaimed in a shocked voice that one would use when one found a fellow hobbit's pantries were empty.

" I think I'll go down to the Green Dragon. Care to join me?" Pippin asked his cousin.

" Let me get my coat!" Merry said happily as he popped out of the chair he was sitting in and headed for the hall. Pippin followed him half-heartedly. Soon they were off down the road toward the inn. Merry kept shooting worried glances at Pippin. He had never seen him this upset. Sounds from the inn reached their ears, sounds of laughter, merriment, and an occasional drunken slur. Merry and Pippin sat at a table, pints of ale in hand. Suddenly, the door to the inn burst open and in came Tom Lardladle, in all his enormous lardness, with Diamond held tightly and somewhat uncomfortably at his side.

" Hey, Rosie, some ale for us!" he yelled in his loud, raucous voice as he jerked Diamond to an empty table. Pippin's head came up as he watched the two in disgust as Tom slopped ale down his chins, then tried to force Diamond to drink. 

" Leave me alone, Tom!" she pleaded as she struggled to get her arm out of his meaty fist.

" Aw, come on doll, have a drink!" Tom urged as he held her even tighter. Diamond cried out in pain, but no one would dare cross Tom. He was huge and, when in a temper, quite dangerous. 

" He wouldn't have her here if her father were at home. He don't hold with Tom and has been able to keep him away, but he went into Buckland yesterday," Pippin heard an old hobbit say as he gazed at the sight. Diamond yelled again, and Pippin snapped.

" Pippin, what do you think you're doing?" Merry asked lowly as he stepped in front of Pippin, who had risen from his chair.

" I am going to do something!" he exclaimed.

" Yes!" Merry said in a raspy whisper as he stepped to the side and let Pippin by. He made a gallant sight as he strode up to the colossus of fat before him.

" Tom, let her go," he said darkly. The whole hall plunged into silence. Tom laughed and a noxious wave of his garlic breath hit Pippin in the face.

" Oh, yeah? And what are you going to do if I don't, Peregrin Took?" he asked with a leering smile on his face. Pippin suddenly felt very powerful and brave.

" I am going to hit you, Tom Lardladle," he answered boldly.

" Ha ha ha ha ha!! You, hit me? I think not, Master Pippin!" Tom laughed as he squeezed Diamond's arm tighter, causing her face to contort in pain.

" Why not? I have killed more orcs than you can count on your hands and toes. I have traveled with wizards and ents, faced Ringwraiths, and fought alongside soldiers and the kings of this world. I have seen many brave men die. I was captured and drug across Rohan by orcs and managed to escape with all my limbs intact. I have been through the battle for the world and survived it. Why, Tom Lardladle, could I not hit you?" Pippin asked simply. By now the room was so silent that you could hear the cricket chirping outside the door.

" Because you -" Tom began, but the rest of his sentence was cut off by Pippin's fist smashing into his skull. He hit the floor and did not move. Without another word, Pippin turned to Diamond.

" Here, Diamond, let's get you home," Pippin said gently as he helped her up off the ground. She looked up at him, her eyes filled with relief and gratitude. Together they walked out of the room, leaving many hobbits with their mouths gaping open. As soon as they were out the door, the room erupted with talk of what the hobbits had all just witnessed. Tom Lardladle came too and, in a bind rage, he blundered out the door after Pippin.

" Hey, get back here!" he shouted. Pippin and Diamond turned to face him.

" What?" Pippin asked with one eyebrow arched.

" Nobody hits me and gets away with it!" he thundered.

" Tom, that is enough!" yelled the old hobbit. Many other hobbits joined in with his shouts. Merry and a few others stepped between him and Diamond.

" That is enough, Tom. Don't you ever go near those two again, or you'll find yourself faced with more than you can manage," Merry snarled. Tom was a chicken at heart and, overwhelmed by the odds, he slunk away towards his home, nursing a very swollen cheek.

" Come on, Diamond, he won't be bothering you anymore," Pippin said as he gently escorted her down the road.

" Pippin, you were so - " she began.

" Stupid?" Pippin asked, finishing her sentence.

" No! Not at all! You were very brave! No one else would have said anything, but you stood up to him and helped me. No one has ever done that before," she said quietly, her eyes radiating fondness as she linked her elbow in his. Pippin smiled like an idiot. They continued chatting until they reached her hobbit hole.

" Oh, there you are! When I heard what had happened, I was about to come after you!" Diamond's father exclaimed as they walked through the doors.

" Oh, father, you will not believe what happened!" Diamond said, then told him in great detail what Pippin said and did.

" Let's see that hand," he demanded when he heard that Pippin had hit Tom. Pippin proffered his swollen right fist and Diamond gasped.

" Oh, listen to me babble on while you are hurt! Sit down and let me take care of that! Mother, get Pippin some food, please!" Diamond yelled as she drew Pippin to a chair. 

" Tell us a story, Pippin! Of your adventures!" Diamond begged as she wrapped his hand. Pippin launched into his account of the journey through Moria, brightening it up with light humor and omitting scary, gruesome parts. A good couple of hours passed before he got back to his own home where Merry was waiting.

" Well, Pip, I think you will have all the Shire talking for the next few weeks, I'll give you that!" he exclaimed as soon as Pippin entered the room.

" I know," he said simply, a slap - happy grin stretching from ear to ear.

" What happened?" Merry asked, fairly bursting with excitement.

" Oh, I walked Diamond home where she took care of my hand, fed me, and I told stories," Pippin responded. Merry laughed.

" Here, have some ale to celebrate!" Merry offered.

" No thanks, Merry, I think I'll go to sleep. Good night!" Pippin said happily. Merry watched him go, then, with a shrug, finished the ale himself and waked home.

Sorry it took so long to update, but I finally got to it! Go review, for the goat lives, and he will ruin you!

U2lover: Hey! I am so thrilled that you like my story! Here's the update!

Kylark: Now be good and go review again!

Elf with a Lightsaber: I don't know if you could stomach my goat Glad you like it!

PIPPINpIRATE: My goat sounds like your sister? You poor thing just kidding!


	6. Bluebirds and Psycotic Man Eating Trees

DISCLAIMER: Lord of the Rings isn't mine. Really, it isn't. Would I lie? 

It was a lovely spring day in Hobbiton, and love was in the air. And, apparently, so were bluebirds. 

" Oh, look at the bluebird, Merry," Estella said happily as the two of them sat beneath the shade of a huge oak tree.

" Where?" Merry asked, tearing his gaze away from his beloved.

" There, up that tree on the low branch," Estella replied as she pointed to the branch the bird was perched on. Merry stared and squinted.

" I still don't see it," he said.

" It's right there in front of you!" Estella exclaimed.

" Oh, there I see it!" Merry lied, for he still could not see it, but didn't want her knowing. She smiled happily and took a bite of apple.

" Mmm, this is delicious!" she gushed as the sweet taste of apple permeated her mouth. Merry smiled, a thing he had been doing often.

" Yes, they are," he commented as he took a bite of his own. Half way through chewing, his face blanched and contorted in disgust.

" Phoo!" he cried as he spit the piece of apple out.

" Oh, Merry, what happened?" Estella asked, her voice full of concern.

" It didn't taste very good is all," he said between great droughts of cider. 

" Ahh," he sighed in contentment. 

" Here, have another," Estella offered as she held out another apple.

" Oh, no, it's alright, I am full anyway," Merry politely refused. Estella shrugged and put the apple down.

" There goes the bluebird!" Estella exclaimed happily as the creature took flight.

" Where?" Merry asked as he looked up at the sky.

" It is going to fly right over us!" Estella said with a giggle as she looked up. Merry tipped his head back to view the flight of the bluebird. It soared gracefully above himsplat! Merry squeezed his eyes shut to keep the bird poop from running into them, for the bird had decided to relieve itself in mid flight right above his head.

" Eww!" Estella screeched.

" A little help, please!" Merry said desperately, for the doo was beginning to run down his face. Estella grabbed a cloth napkin and dropped it on his head. Merry frantically wiped the offensive, er, stuff, off his face.

" Why don't you go wash off in the stream," Estella suggested, thoroughly disgusted by the whole ordeal.

" That's a good idea," Merry muttered as he stood and began walking towards the said stream. Dipping his hands into the water, he splashed the cold liquid over his face numerous times. Once he was satisfied that his face was clean enough, he made his way back to where Estella was beginning to pack up the picnic.

" Merry, my mother told me she would need my help with supper because my family is coming to visit this evening, so would you mind if we called the picnic short?" she asked.

" Oh, sure!" Merry enthusiastically agreed, although he was feeling anything but.

" Great! Why don't you come by and meet them all?" she suggested to make him feel better. Merry brightened.

" That would be wonderful!" he exclaimed as he began to carry the basket. Estella hesitantly kissed his cheek.

" Thanks for understanding!" she said as she sauntered off towards her hobbit hole. Merry watched her go.

" Nature, why do you plaque me so?!" he yelled with his fist held clenched above his head once he was sure she was out of hearing range.

Over on the other side of Hobbiton, Pippin was walking with Diamond.

" What was that?" she asked upon hearing a faint yell off in the distance.

" Who knows, maybe someone dropped a shovel on there foot," Pippin suggested as the two walked hand in hand.

" Ha ha, probably father! He is always dropping something on his foot," Diamond laughed. Pippin joined her.

" Oh, I hope not!" he chuckled. 

" Come on, let's walk through the woods," Diamond suggested as she veered off the road and into the small forest.

" Uh, that may not be such a good idea," Pippin said hesitantly.

" Why not?" Diamond asked curiously.

" Well, you might trip and fall," Pippin said lamely.

" Oh, come on, Pippin, o brave hobbit!" she laughed as she tugged on his arm.

" I don't know" he trailed off as he looked into the forest. It was just any forest, it was the Old Forest, a place he didn't fancy going into.

" If anything happens, I'll have you to protect me, so come on!" Diamond begged.

" But who will protect me?" Pippin muttered to himself. The trees closed in above them, dense and foreboding. The walked for a long while, and it was hard to keep track of time for the trees hid the sun. The roots of the trees began poking out of the ground.

" Be careful, Diamond, you may trip," he whispered as he gripped her elbow.

" Don't worry, Pippin," she muttered.

" Well, I'm just - " his sentence was cut off as he tripped on a root and fell flat on his face.

" Oh, Pippin, are you okay?" Diamond asked frantically.

" Yes, I am fine," he said as he popped off the ground. 

" I'm tired, do you think we can rest then head back?" Diamond asked.

" You rest and I'll stand and watch," Pippin said. Diamond sat on the large root of a willow tree and soon fell asleep. Pippin struggled to keep his eyes open. Diamond slid off the willow root and curled up on the ground. Pippin lay where she had been. Suddenly, he felt himself sinking. 

Diamond woke with a start. It was beginning to rain. She looked about frantically for Pippin.

" Pippin, where are you?" she cried, slightly panicked. Then she turned and drew her breath in sharply. Pippin's feet were sticking out of a tree!

" Oh, Pippin!" she screamed as she stared at the ghastly sight. Diamond ran to his feet and began tugging on them. She could not loose them. Consumed by despair, she began sobbing uncontrollably.

" Hey, what's this? A pretty young hobbit maid, all alone?" a man's voice asked from nearby. Diamond jumped.

" Who are you?" she asked as she took in the large man's floppy hat, a blue feather tucked in the crown. His fat red face was jolly and kind, with bright blue eyes and a long beard that came down the front of his blue coat. He had thick legs that tapered down to big yellow boots.

" I am Tom Bombadil. Who are you?" he asked curiously.

" Diamond," she answered, taken aback at the sight of this strange man.

" Are you in trouble, Miss Diamond?" he asked, a bright twinkle in his eye.

" Oh, yes! This tree is eating my friend!" she cried.

" Oh, have no worries, it's only Old Man Willow! Hold on a bit, and I'll have the lad loose," Tom said confidently as he strode up to the tree. Putting his mouth the crack Pippin was trapped in, he began to sing. After a moment, he leapt up, grabbed a branch, and began striking the tree.

" Old Man Willow, what are you doing? Go to sleep, eat dirt and grow deep! Bombadil is talking!" he yelled as he continued to strike the tree. Pippin's feet waved about frantically. Suddenly, he was thrown out of the tree like a juggernaut!

" Oh, Pippin!" Diamond cried as she ran to his side.

" I'm alright," he said reassuringly. 

" What are two hobbits doing out here?" Tom asked.

" We were walking. Hey, who are you?" Pippin asked curiously.

" This is Tom Bombadil, Pippin! He saved your life!" Diamond exclaimed.

" I am Peregrin Took," Pippin said as he stuck out his hand for a shake.

" Glad to stumble upon you!" Tom said happily, his ruddy cheeks glowing.

" Pippin, we had better go, it is getting dark," Diamond said as she took Pippin's hand.

" I tell you what, why don't you come to my home? My Goldberry would be very pleased to meet you, and you could have dinner and I will take you home tomorrow," Tom suggested. Diamond looked at Pippin.

" That would be a pleasure, Mister Bombadil,' Pippin said, brightening at the prospect of food.

" Then let us be off!" Tom exclaimed as he began leading the two to his home and Goldberry, singing all the way.

Yes, I finally updated! Knew you were all waiting for itmaybe. Expect another update soon because I have some very good ideas! The goat of abomination lives and is very deadly, so go review, or he will come and haunt you!

U2lover: I'm really glad you think this is so cute, and I tried calling you but you were at your grandma's house.

Hobbit's Soul: stinky breath is disgusting. Glad you like the story, here's some more of it!

Elf with a Lightsaber: my goat has rabiesjust kidding! You reviewed, so you are safe from the goat!

Intergrate_cos(2x): the best Merry/Pippin fic?! I am flattered! Thanks so much and here's more of the story!


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